Our first year married

Last week, Ruth and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary. We bought tickets to see the musical, Aladdin, which is something we normally wouldn’t do. In fact, we had a long conversation where we hemmed and hawed. Should we? Is it too expensive? We also toyed with the idea of saving up and seeing Anastasia on Broadway. Ultimately, Ruth decided we should just go for it, since our natural inclination is to put things off, especially things we’ve deemed “impractical.”

It was a wonderful evening together. It felt nice to do something special for our anniversary. I’m definitely the type of person who undervalues ceremony. “One day doesn’t matter as much as the other 364 days in between,” I tell myself. And yes, a single day does matter. It’s the marriage that matters. But an anniversary is about pausing to reflect on the past year. Consider the storms you’ve weathered and the calm waters you sailed through.

Some of my favorite memories of the past year:

• going on many walks around the neighborhood
• reaching many milestones, including finishing my bootcamp and her kicking butt with the GRE
• thinking up potential baby names for our future kiddo
• so much laughter
• sharing turtle sundaes from our favorite ice cream parlor
• going to Disney World for our honeymoon
• Ruth losing her wedding band a few months into our marriage
• our first Christmas as wife and wife
• getting to say “my wife” as often as possible

Travel Induced Ramblings

Last weekend I went on a trip with my brother to St. Louis to see the eclipse. We explored the zoo, climbed around the City Museum, and visited the Gateway Arch. On Monday we walked around a sculpture park and viewed totality from a clearing in the woods. It was probably the best trip I’ve been on in years, but my favorite part by far was the ten or so hours I spent in the car talking with my brother.

Over the course of the weekend, our conversations covered a variety of topics, from conservation to politics to space flight to life goals. I learned about the different ways we experienced our shared past, as well as aspirations I had never heard him talk about before. Looking back at that weekend, I am reminded of how important it is to occasionally step out of your routine. At this point in our lives, I think we’re both happy in our personal lives but unhappy with our careers. It’s so easy to get stuck in your day-to-day routine of work-errands-sleep-repeat. This one small trip made me realize how narrow my life view is becoming, the absolute wealth of possibilities that exists just outside of my quotidian vision. It’s something that used to scare me: the prospect of becoming an adult so accepting of the monotony of life that I ceased to question things.

My philosophizing is beginning to sound like an existential crisis. Really, it feels like the opposite. I’m reminded how important it is to be intentional in how I live my life. Too often I let my actions and time be dictated by who/where I am now, rather than who/where I want to be. Prioritizing matters. Who knew??

Is this too vague? Probably. That’s already a pattern in my posts. Oh well.

two

That’s how many books I’ve read this year towards my Goodreads count.

I’ve read a few more books than that, but they were cheesy romance novels, which I don’t count. There are a few reasons contributing to my lack of reading:

• coding bootcamp – I was regularly doing 14 hours days of classes and studying. There wasn’t much time for reading, and when I did read, it was usually fluffy novels. They’re quick and require little thought. They’re also easy to start and stop.
• job search – the process of finding a job is incredibly demoralizing. It was a fight to open my laptop and apply for jobs. Most of my time was completing Buzzfeed quizzes to avoid life
• starting a new job – guys, despite the joy and elation that is getting hired for a job that you’ve spend over half a year working towards, it’s still exhausting. My first couple weeks left my brain scrambled and I was exhausted.

But I love reading. I remember devouring books as a child. But somewhere along the way, books become a source of stress and pressure for me. I would have all these books I meant to read or had started, but was making little progress in.

So I’ve decided to reread all the books I own. There aren’t that many because I’ve pared down my collection. (My books are only the first shelf – the rest are Ruth’s).

I’m hoping that this will ease me back into reading and help develop a better habit of reaching for a book in moments of stress or boredom, instead of my phone.

My first book is Persuasion, my favorite Jane Austen novel. I’ll follow up when I finish the book with my thoughts and reflection.

Anxiety and Committing to Living My Life

When going to therapy, I learned about ACT: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. In a sentence, it’s about accepting the fact that I have anxiety, but committing my life and behavior to aligning with my values.

The whole point of the bucket list was to embrace the fact that our life is now. It’s not after we finish grad school or pay off our student loans or save up to buy a house or get a promotion at work. We’re living our life now and the things we hope to do one day won’t happen unless we commit to it.

So lasts week, we trekked downtown to see a performance at Millennium Park. I could feel my anxiety building, which happens when our usual routine is disturbed. What if it’s too hot and I’m uncomfortable and start snapping at Ruth? What if I get hungry and have to spend money on overprice food? What if the crowd is huge and there’s no space for us to sit? (Crowds is a major source of anxiety for me) What if I don’t enjoy myself and Even is disappointed?

So many what ifs?

Here’s the photo I took at the park. There were some major hiccups on our way there, but we did it! We did it because we’re committing to living a life not held back by fear.